my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
should my penis look like a turkey
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
