I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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