they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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