i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just pee around me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
