the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You can't just leave with hair like that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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