Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
