Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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