I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
