sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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