where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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