I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
