The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
