Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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