i just wanna soil my oats bro
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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