My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
babies were throwing up all over the place
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
