Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How external is "for external use only"?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
