we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
