he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
