I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
