He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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