So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
