Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize