I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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