your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
