"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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