I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
