This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
