drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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