Cold hands, warm shart.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
