Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize