I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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