I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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