Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
