i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
