quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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