Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
