the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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