When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
