I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
