new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wear drunk well.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
