you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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