I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
