I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
