my sisters under your porch take her home
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I stole a fireplace last night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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