I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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