i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
