Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
