Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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