If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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