she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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