I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
