Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My ATM looks so different sober.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
