Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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