i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
