I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
