He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
